An overwhelming need to stop the noise – how it feels to consider taking your life…

http://livingwithbraininjury.org/2016/04/12/an-overwhelming-need-to-stop-the-noise-how-it-feels-to-consider-taking-your-life/

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Recently I’ve been focused on the impacts of the emotional turmoil having a brain injury can do to those who love the survivor… I call these people the “silent survivors.” These people need love and support in the same way the injured souls need love and support. Sometimes even more so, because there is no re-Hab for the Famlies…

But… What happens when these people are not so silent… What happens when the people who are no longer in your life due to choices that may have been inept or difficult to navigate come back…. And what happens when they come back with nothing but anger and spite? What happens when these people chose not to understand or insist on being ruthless bullies…

I didn’t know how bad my own head traum was back in 2009, to be totally frank, even though I’d had many concussions, from racing, from cycling and being hit by cars, and from other moments such as being shot in the head… I simply hadn’t explored the impact of these head traumas and the way they had changed or developed into my personality… In truth.. It wasn’t until my vehicle accident in 2013 and well into 2014 that I had started to ask the question.. Who have I become… And more importantly “WHY”

I want to take a moment to explain something to you.. To explain to those who read my work what my own experiences of living with brain injury are… Even though I am fortunate enough to have healed in many ways… It’s clear that I am still healing.. And you need to know,  I am careful now not to intensify the impact by still racing motorcycles or doing things that may cause more impact… I am focused on your health as much as my own…

But back to my explanation… FEAR… And more importantly wanting the noise to stop…

I use the term Noise as an explanation of the negative vibrations others can and often do put into the pathway of your life… Sometimes we do not get a choice… Mainly if these people are family.. If they are not, we can often chose to walk away and leave them be.. Remove them from our lives and feel safer and more balanced, but what if they are family, or siblings, or ex-partners who you have children with… What then… How do we stop them from ambushing us, or intentionally abusing or sabotaging your life… And more importantly.. How do we switch this noise off…. How do we protect our selves from this… And even deeper than self protection..  How do we protect those we love from this noise too….

My own past is littered with my mistakes… My biggest mistakes are not knowing how best to navigate these moments.. The moments where others who are intent on causing hurt will come in, cause mayhem and then leave… For me I simply became inept and unsure of my self.., and because I felt shame and fear I created my own story, much of which is shared in other posts… But in the end became lies too… I made up stories to create excuses for them and my self, the shame of being beaten as a child… But now… No more excuses…

So, back to turning it off…

Ive shared in other posts that there has been a moment where I’d attempted to take my life… I’m not an unstable person.. In fact far from it… I am hugely empathic, I give to others and spend time exploring how this injury and the impacts of domestic violence can be openly cured… But here we are, so let’s share how it feels to get to the point of no return…

Its a numbing moment… A moment where you turn off every feeling… Where there is no fear.. Where you feel nothing but the need to stop the noise… To stop the feeling that who ever or what ever it is that’s chasing you or hurting you must no longer be allowed to chase you… It’s deliberate in its choice, no feelings… No fear, just the knowledge that once you’ve chosen and taken that path it’s going to be quiet… No more noise, no more bullying and no more abuse.. Just quiet… For me I was very deliberate in my actions… Totally detached from the whole of the outside world… There was no desire to seek approval or to seek remorse for others. No.. They had spoken their last words of abuse and I was free to make my own choice… To make a statement that they can shut up now and go off to find their next victim… For they are hunting others to abuse too.. Never happy until they have caused as much hurt as possible… So by taking my self I was making the ultimate statement of freedom! To never have to put up with them again..  Or so I thought… Being pushed to a point where you want to take your own life and are willing to do it is deeply disturbing… It’s ruthless in the detachment of all feelings and cold in the moment of choice and action… There is only one need… That is relief that the noise will stop….

But now? Now I put all of this energy into the creation of power… Self exploration of the “WHY” and its impact on those who truly deserve to be free of this menacing and insidious injury.. The depressing moods it can create, the lack of self worth and the impact it has on those beautiful people who are or were simply trying to navigate your life with you… I’ve taken every part of the abusive energy they created and turned it into something more important… The truth about brain injury… It’s impact and the way it leaves others who are close to you feeling… I am trying my hardest to explore those moments.. Because I can write a lot about my own experience as a survivor of TBI, however it’s the silent survivors I truly worry about… Those who walk every day exploring a life where the person they love has or still is changing…

A message to all of you.. The survivors and the silent survivors.. The biggest thing we need is a feeling of self worth… It’s the most important aspect of dealing with this injury!!!!…

We are here to heal people, to turn their lives around, to help couples find each other again, to explain the “WHY” and then the how… We are not here to lie, to be less or to make up excuses.. We are here to share one thing… How living with brain injury can be navigated and that peace and a successful life can be ours..

Thank you…,

Pete…

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